PREFACE: Journaling a Month of Deep Integral Healing
IT ALL STARTED…
PREPARATION: Body, Mind, Paperwork and Soul
WEEK 1: Hospital Stay and Home Stay
WEEK 2: No, No Stay! Energy a Go-go!!
WEEK 3: Trying on New Shapes
WEEK 4: Mud, Jungle, Mountain, Desert, River, Forest, Prairie, Cave
WEEK 5: Cleared for Living
FREE WRITE: What's in a Womb?
WEEK 6: POST-SCRIPTUM - New Womb, New Rules, New Gender?
Courtney + Judith- my integrity coach + good vibes.
Luciano and Sofia - my handlers with heart.
Christine - the all arounder shawoman.
Ruth and Eran - my true medicine providers.
Libby + Katharine - helper supermoms.
Natiblue, Silvia + Marian - facilitators.
Olga - art therapy.
Sandy - energy counselor.
Howard - craniosacral healer.
Laya - massage therapist.
Matthew - teen mentor.
Daniel - dancing bro + male wound healer.
Heloïse - yoni cave guide.
Cat + Francis - family vibe.
PREFACE: Journaling a Month of Deep Integral Healing
What I love about a deep healing journey is that you learn something profound about yourself, your limits and the way you care for yourself. Whether you go through it and come out healed and in awe of life, or you come out not so healed and have to return to it later to work through the trauma and patterning (dare I say: co-dependency of pain), it is an opportunity to know thyself.
This diary is in no way meant to be representative of all hysterectomy experiences. Just one. Mine, which happened to be a generally good revelatory experience. Many hysterectomies have difficult and injurious outcomes and I do not wish to downplay any of them. My intention here is to provide a counterpoint to all the fearful and solemn accounts I read about before my operation. I found hardly any positive holistic experiences to read. Most were about what a big heavy deal it was. I felt warned but not supported in my wish for a happy healthy outcome. The accounts were mostly cautionary and sometimes quite a gratuitous moan. I would like to offer a more integrative view, sharing not only the physical approach but also emotional and soulful aspects of healing.
Hopefully, this account will inspire anyone who is facing a need for healing or anyone who is in a supporting role. May they be encouraged to draw from many levels of existence for additional support. Sometimes my account can seem woo-woo but a gentle reminder: we all have our relative symbolic thrall. For some, it's a connection to the earth or to a type of god or to a logic system. All are valid when facing the work of healing; belief and trust have been proven to be a big part of accelerated healing. So my woo-woo may be your Allah or someone else's scientific process. Whatever you believe can be substituted in here. The important takeaway here is that you integrate all aspects of your existence to fully heal. That is my belief and my experience.
Writing this log was my way of processing the experience. Maybe you have a different way- singing, painting, making puzzles… whatever it is, I recommend expressing your process.
Btw, for those of you who don't know me- I am 50, a single mother of a teen, born in the USA, and live in the countryside in Mallorca, Spain. Some of my work includes being a movement facilitator, event producer, teen counselor, writer, and property manager.
I had my operation at a clinic in Palma, the main city of Mallorca.
IT ALL STARTED…
… with an egg-shaped shadow. Not an egg that promised life.
An egg that was fibrous, full of void, promising discomfort, illness and maybe even death.
An unwelcome presence had taken up residence in my uterus. When did you arrive? Go! What do you mean no? Just because it's empty does not mean it's available. My red moon cavern with its dry stalactites. Time to move on, polyp flower. Who was he or she or it who introduced us? Who did not belong in there but clung anyway? All of them except the sweet sweet air of the heir.
Dry red flower, closing in the open air.
At first, the gynaecologist suggested keeping an eye on it.
This was soon after giving birth 14 years ago.
So we did, regular check-ups and pap smears. Then last year, she let me know that there were a few more fibroids as well as a polyp. She recommended that I get a myomectomy to remove them.
I have never had an operation in all my 50 years and was none too pleased with anyone cutting me open or even going in there to fiddle about. But I trusted her, even though something must have happened to her in the past few years. I saw this bright chirpy doctor dim after an accident she had, then become morose and zombie-like in her treatments of me. I could hardly understand all the hoops she explained to me as every word was given the same low tonal value. Like a murky tickle. But I tried to follow, I jumped through them, got prodded, tested, measured and evaluated for surgery. But at the last moment the receptionists had made an error in our appointments and there was no way to get in touch with her. I got put on her call list but she called me back during dinner with my son, a time I reserve for him. No phones. When I called her back, nothing. They gave me another phone appointment, but she never called. Next in-person appointment they could give me was in three months! I wrote her but the receptionists said it was hospital policy to not deliver anything to doctors. I came back when I knew she would be there, intending to slip it under her door. Her assistant came out, I gave it to her. She went back in then came out and said she had given her the letter. Then nothing.
So grateful to my friend Courtney who held my hand and prodded me when I procrastinated taking the next steps. I highly recommend having a fun cheerleader at this stage!
So I switched doctors to another gyn. At the time, I only wanted female ones. And I liked this one's name. She had four last names all starting with M. Doctora M4 checked me out and right off the bat recommended a hysterectomy and a date within 21 days. I was stunned and asked for some time to think. She was very perfunctory but felt like a capable person.
I asked online for recommendations for good gyns to get a second opinion. Men this time. The first one, a Spanish doctor with followers and detractors, did a cursory exam leaving me with slathers of gel and told me he wouldn’t recommend it as I was going through menopause and the fibroids, that were being stimulated by my hormones, would eventually go away on their own. Then he told me that my insurance didn’t really pay doctors enough so that was the end of the consult.
The next gyn was a German doctor with a lot of amens from the online community. It took weeks to get an appointment so only saw him on the last day that I could possibly cancel my surgery. Right out of a movie on nazi experimentation. Chalk white skin, totally bald, in a white lab coat and spectacles. His receptionist seemed frightened by her own awe of him. There was something so clinically capable about him that I found myself wanting to be touched by him. It was disturbing. He studied my case before letting me in then did the most thorough examination I have ever had. First, a long chat. Then a hands on and in examination, even with a quick poke in my boohole. I hadn’t been handled by a man in so long that I almost moaned. Then a very precise and detailed sonogram revealed that my fibroids were quite big and getting in the way of my bladder. Then some perfect breast fondling that was over much too quickly. Then we talked some more. He was for the hysterectomy and answered all my questions to my mind’s content.
I left 2 hours later, feeling confident for the next week’s surgery- a laparoscopic hysterectomy via vagina.
Basically, I would simultaneously be giving birth and death to my womb.
PREPARATION: Body, Mind, Paperwork and Soul
I tried to have everything set so I would have no worries going into the hysterectomy, and just be able to focus on breathing and trusting.
Got consultations and opinions from 4 different gynecologists.
The pre-op prep required: MRI, blood tests, cardiology reading, pre-op meeting with anesthesiologist, and a PCR test a day or two before.
A few days before: Eating healthier and not having any fiber or dairy, or hard-to-digest foods.
The day before the operation: I just had liquids- juices, smoothies, and broth.
I cleaned and depilated my body and got a brazilian. I had no desire to have some unknown person shave my intimate bits while I was knocked out. And I wanted to minimize any risk for infection. Clean slate.
Also cleaned the house and made myself a fresh bed before going to get operated so I would return to a clean welcoming home.
My excellent friend coached me the whole way- made sure I was getting check-ups, found me people to consult, offered an ear and a ready conversation- all this from half a world away.
I put my house in order. I got everything set up so if there were anything to happen to me, I felt at peace with leaving this world without leaving too much of a mess to those left behind.
I got all my affairs and will in order. Made sure that everybody who I love knew that I love them, without letting them know this could be a final goodbye. No need for overt dramatics.
It was important to me not to tell everybody but just the people that I knew would simply support me, not freak out nor project their fears and worries on me. So I did not tell quite a few nervous or passionate people who were close to me. Now I understand why people don't tell their loved ones about things that will be amplified by their reaction to it. Their projection can make it harder to go through something like this in a peaceful way. The personal process needs to be respected. I chose the people that I wanted to know and they were very lovely and responsive. And those few who did freak out at me ¨OMG, I´m so sorry for you!!! Are you scared?!¨, I let them know that I appreciated their concern but it was not helpful. I was looking forward to it and feeling good about it and everything was well prepared. My son was also as calm as I was and we made time to chat and address all his questions beforehand.
A wonderful support team came together:
Two mamas to take care of my son- bring him to school, watch him over the weekend.
Two workawayers to take care of me during recovery- to take me there and back, check in on me.
The great team from a healthy restaurant, dancers, made incredible recovery food for me.
And three lovely ladies to take over my outdoor and indoor practices while I was out.
Signed up with an online hysterectomy support community to get all the info from people who previously had the experience.
What I packed:
- needed: all the paperwork involved and insurance confirmation, id+health card, toothbrush + toothpaste, lip balm, paper tissues, sanitizing gel, reading glasses, eye mask + earplugs, face masks, a soft sleeping gown (not pajamas, although I ended up naked most of the time), slippers, diary + pen, telephone + charger.
- not needed: clothes for each day (just need one set for arriving and one set for leaving), comforting plush owl (bed was too narrow and it would have fallen off), book (could not focus for more than 5 minutes on text), hairbrush/comb, nappies.
- what I wish I had brought: throat lozenges for after intubation.
- do not pack: any valuables.
I had some consultations with a few healers and witches. I recommend you find ones that work for you energetically to have the full experience. What I describe here was meant specifically for me and does not intend to represent the techniques and wisdom used to arrive at the experiences I had. There is no substitute for the seeking on your own path. These are cursory descriptions to give an idea of what symbolic energies can be in the workings of uterus issues.
Here are two of the encounters I had on my path:
A Quantic Shaman that I had consulted months before had foreseen that it would not be a single small intervention, but a complete and final operation for that issue. Montse offered to optimize my energy system. She did this by first doing a reading of my holographic information grid, seeing where my chakras were disconnected and/or malfunctioning. She then proceeded to put me through a deep reprogramming of my traumas and removal of those presences in my life who did not necessarily want the best for me but had energetically tied themselves to me. She cleansed my program and I experienced it as the most intense shower of electric blue light I have ever experienced, electric rain like in the Matrix. Then she worked on my spheres, her body emitting unusual sounds - like a bottle being filled up. She invited my inner child back into the altar of the heart. And when she connected my heart up to each chakra, I almost passed out. Then when she reconnected me to source, I felt an incredible delicious blissful rush. In an instant, I went from practically unconscious to feeling totally awake and full of life. She then reconnected me to the earth and sealed my sphere, with a program for maximum regeneration.
The card I pulled out at the end reminded me to open my heart to love. Sure thing!
An Eden Energy healer that I consulted online announced that 50 is the perfect age for this change as it is the age called Chiron Return. Chiron is a centaur who represents the wounded healer and a harmonious merging of the wild and civilized. Sandy likened the figure to a Yoda who trains others in the warrior ways of the light side. When I told her that I was doing my op at a clinic called Quiron, she was delighted at the synchronicity. She commented that this is a time when we are naturally growing more receptive towards deeper, psychic dimensions which encompass our soul fields.
I particularly enjoyed her vision of the uterus as a bleeding heart, in that it represents our most sensitive intimate loving part, in essence, it holds the history of our loving. The heart being a symbol of courage, bravery, honor. The bleeding heart includes with that a symbology of sacrifice. And, in my case, sacrificing too much of my sexual energy, somatizing a waste of creative energy in my womb, turning that waste into pockets of fiber. She suggested I offer my symbolic womb as an offering on the altar of love. To not hold onto the life forms I took on in the past.
She recommended creating a new energy womb under the 13 moons following the operation, including dance under full moons since dance is my healing language.
Sandy gave me a few energy exercises to help activate and protect the heart and calm my energy.
She also suggested the second of the following exercises.
Two energy practices that helped the most:
1. A few days before, and before the op, really say goodbye and thank you to the uterus. Energetically, I meditated on connecting all the chakras, then split the 2nd chakra and put them in the ovaries so that it wouldn't be such a shock to the chakra system when my body was cut into and the housing uterus taken out. Basically, a few days before, while doing this, I could feel all the parts of my womb and around it, all practically jumping out of me, as if I was energetically pushing it out. It felt so ready to go.
2. On the day of, it really helped to calm my nerves to put one hand on my forehead and one hand on the back of my head and just press gently. It helped release the tension and the stress that was building up.
Of course, deep breathing helped.
And I did my chi gong practice the morning of the op. Very consciously calling in the energies of Gaia to help me through.
I had a lot of people also sending me good vibes at that time in the morning, which helped on mental, emotional, psychic levels. Nice to know that people are supporting you energetically when you are incapacitated by general anesthesia.
Also, right before the operation, I created a bubble of energy around me to only let in people who have good intentions. It makes it clear to me what I am inviting on an energetic level.
WEEK 1: Hospital Stay and Home Stay
Day 1 - What’s Op, doc?
Everything was ready. Woke up at 6.30am. Did my chi gong sequence in the cool clean pure morning air. Felt good and had a Hoka hey attitude.
Hoka hey if I die, and Carpediem if I don’t. Happy to be alive. At peace with the end of this cycle. I was so surprised to feel how detached I was- either way, it works out for me.
Sofia and Luciano came and got us, looking like they were about to rob a bank, both with their balaclavas rolled up onto their heads. Made me smile. My son and I sat in the back. A rare experience for me as the always-my-turn driver. Driving into Palma that early, we hit some traffic and the nerves suddenly hit me. I grabbed my son’s hand and some fear tears escaped my eyes. His got watery and it was reassuring to have a peek at his kind soul. Made me happy.
We drove up to the fancy part of the clinic, where patients can check themselves in like at an airport hotel. They drove off. It was 8am. I got my wristband and room number. In the empty waiting room, I barely had the time to do my energy exercises and send a message to Luciano that I was in room number 311 (a number I was satisfied to receive- Auguri!) When I was whisked into a changing room by a handsome happy bouncy nurse. I was only too happy to comply. He took my bag and put it on the back of the gurney that they asked me to lie on. A bunch of cute guy nurses wheeled me into the pre-op room where a kind nurse lady inserted the needle into my hand for the drip and the anesthesia.
From that point, I knew there was no return. I just let go, breathed, and mustered my faith in the people there and the process. The nurse told me not to worry if I got a bit dizzy. I was sort of looking forward to some fun hi-grade drugs so I was like: Yeah! Bring it on!!
They must have wheeled me into the operation room. One of the cute guy nurses started joking with me about my tattoos and showing me his. Then the older Argentinian anaesthesiologist said in a low voice: “We will no longerrr be talking about tattoos.”
Next thing I knew, the doctor was in my face telling me it all went well.
I focused on the clock on the wall and saw it was 11:30am.
¨Milk of Amnesia¨, my craniosacral friend had commented, ¨ where does the soul go when awareness is shut down? ¨
I waved my arms about like a drunkard and asked the doctor to show me my uterus. She showed me a picture. It looked like a bloody heart. “I want it.” I slurred out, “send to my phone.” “I’ll come to see you tomorrow” she reassured me. The wheeling to my room was more blur. Part of me trying to think of something to say to the nurse in the elevator. Part of me trying to figure out why I felt that need. Then I was slid off a metal tray onto my bed, like a pizza hot out of the oven.
My room was a single room with a great view, a TV I could not figure out, and a peaceful grey room tone, appeasing. Many remotes at hand, for the bed, the call button, the TV that I was happy not to figure out and never reported, wondering how many before me came to the same conclusion. I had just removed crap from my body- why fill it up so quickly with more crap?
They must have put a catheter in me during the operation. That was the most uncomfortable part of my bedrest in the hospital.
I kept on falling asleep, waking when nurses would tend to me, then floating off again. It was worrying me how there were air bubbles in the IV feeds, isn’t that supposed to be dangerous to get air in the bloodstream?
My throat was hurting because they must have put me on ventilator. But they wouldn’t let me drink anything until 7pm. That was a bit difficult. They should have at least let me wet my throat or give me something for it. I recommend asking your doctor if you can bring some throat lozenges. But the rawness went away after a day.
That night, around 8pm, they gave me a gross broth and fruit. I ate the pear. More sleeping and waking with the tempo of the nurses. It was amazing how different our tempos were. The nurses and doctors seemed to be in permanent fast forward and I was going in slow motion. No remote for that so sometimes we had a hard time understanding each other. They spoke too quickly for me and I was too indistinct.
Day 2 - Oy Vey, my poor back
My back was really hurting. My bum was not happy to be lying down for this long but luckily they removed the catheter sometime in the afternoon and I could start to walk around a bit after. The removal was rather weird and rather uncomfortable but bearable. Then they took out gauze from my vaginal cavity. What I thought was a bit of stuffing turned out to be an interminable spiral they pulled out. The two lovely ladies joked and were very kind to me as they pulled it all out. Very weird to watch as if they were merrily pulling out my intestines but only the last part was truly uncomfortable as the last of the gauze was unstuck, slightly pulling at my insides. But then I was free to get up which I couldn’t wait to do. My under-bum pad was full of spilled urine and my butt was all itchy from it.
After an hour of being overwhelmed by irritation, I called the nurse to come help me up. She checked on my dizziness levels as I did so. First sitting, she had me look up at the ceiling. Then standing and tentative steps all good. I expected my womb-tomb to buck but nothing. I was warned that peeing would be agony by online bloggers but I just relaxed into it breathing and, after a first little wriggling pain, it was fine from then on. The nurse seemed pleased with me. I felt like a toddler who had done good at the potty.
Then I gave myself a Russian bath- a few wet towels- which felt miraculous on my skin.
I felt surprisingly good. Where was the agony?
They gave me pa amb oli for breakfast. Lunch was like: what? This is a hospital?! It was a huge plate of macaroni and cheese AND croquetas AND steamed nightshade vegetables - all heavy, fried, and hard to digest but all yummy and hard to resist. I ate it all. Maybe not such a good idea.
That day was smaller cycles of peeing, sleeping, and watching videos. All to the rhythm of when the IV painkillers were delivered. I could feel at the end of the 4-5 hours I was starting to look forward to them. Not so much because I was in pain but just to ease the level of discomfort. I tried to do some reading but had a hard time focusing.
At some point in the afternoon, Dra.M4 came by to check on me. She gave me my picture via airdrop, which I taught her to use. She showed me the “big potato”, as she called it, and let me know there were quite a few. They would do a pathology examination and let me know the results at my one month check-up. She told me the potatoes looked benign and the operation went well and spoke so fast it was hard for me to follow and ask all my questions. But one of them was: what is in the place of the uterus now? The doctor explained that basically the intestines had dropped down and were now on top of the vaginal cavern (no longer a canal!). It was a bit hard for me to wrap my head around it- were my intestines no longer supported? Were they unraveling? Are the ovaries floating amidst intestines? Just trying to visualize how things had moved around was doing my head in a bit. She told me I could be discharged but recommended I stay until the next day until breakfast.
Normally, I would have facilitated a class that day and as my body was in agony from not moving, I decided to dance a short 10-minute wave. Slow gentle subtle moving felt really nice.
Then I found it hard sleeping from so much resting so I did some binaural brain sync which helped my brain waves to submerge again into sleep.
Day 3 - Home Again, Home Again, Fly Away Home!!
That morning I was really done with the IV. I couldn’t wait to get it out. Every time they changed a bag I could feel the intense pressure of the liquid being pumped into my veins. Especially the painkillers which they must keep in a fridge because I would feel the cold enter my system. Interesting but unnerving, adding to my concern about air bubbles.
But, on the whole, nothing felt really painful. Nothing scary or agonizing. All the nurses did a great job and were really kind in the way Spanish people can be nice, calling me Corazón and Cariño and Reina, and answered when I needed them. Lovely people. I want to think of a way to thank them.
I wanted to poop before leaving to make sure it went well as I was also sketched by onliners that it would be horrible. But I just slowly gyrated my butt around a bit to help it out. It wasn’t too scary. I expected it to be a lot worse, again just a sense of oddness, new sensations. So yea, again, be aware of all those fear-mongers out there. I am sure there are many people who experience deep pain when moving their bowels after such an operation but why say that is what will happen for sure and implant that fearful programming when it is just one experience among many?
Another resident doctor came by to give me my discharge papers and a nurse came in to remove my IV and said I could leave without notice.
My mother wanted me to stay another night in case, but I felt great and just wanted to be home and have some fresh air. I was ready to go, go, go by the time breakfast rolled around. I called Luciano and Sofia to come get me. We did two errands - pharmacy for painkillers and mail pick-up. It was the first time I was sitting at 90degrees which felt ok but after 20 minutes I laid down in the back seat just in case. I felt like a child in the back of the car, watching the palm trees go by, listening to adults chat in the background.
Got home and saw all the lovely food waiting for me in the fridge. Ruth had come in the meantime of my hospitalization, left some food in the fridge and all the rest in the freezer. Her food is so exquisite that I had to taste some. I had paid for the ingredients but the 2 “mommy in a spoon” pumpkin/turmeric soups, the 2 “daddy does yoga” beetroot/caraway soups, the 2 crunchy crust quiches- 1 of cauliflower and 1 spinach/feta-, the divine lemon/almond cake, and 2 bean dishes would have cost me at least double at their restaurant. As soon as I tasted it, I knew I would heal even faster.
I set a few things up and had a nap. Had a bit too much of the yummy quiche so had some stomach discomfort.
Had a nice time that night, a little herbal smoke under the moon to enhance the immersion into reweaving a new energetic womb based on intuition, bravery and connection with Gaia.Felt really delightful and relaxing. Not something I do often, once or twice a month, so I enjoy it when I do. If I do it more than that, it messes with my energy- lowering it and sapping my motivation, irritating. But it is a much better high for me than alcohol which just depresses me.
Day 4 - Pumpkin O Pumpkin!
Had some of the pumpkin soup for breakfast. Amazing, my body reacted to it as if it were a life elixir - real medicine.
Had a lovely shower, changed the top layer of my bandages, disinfected with mercurochrome, pooped again easier, and ready to get back to business. I was forcing myself to take times off and lie in bed. Did some phone business, setting up the week.
My son is with friends. Lu+Sofia nearby but at home, it’s just me and the animals and the rain. Not too hot which is also nice. I can get cozy!
So far so good.
I’m recording this because I read a lot of scary stories and I want to record a story that is not so scary. We’ll see how it pans out. Tfou tfou tfou.
I think the good preparation, good support system, clearing your schedule and lots of self-care ahead of time can really make a difference.
Day 5 - Meh-day
A Monday. My son was not feeling well and I had to figure out how to get him home. But we figured it out after various calls and he got back and we just chilled out all day. I had told him previously that, since his dad was also under bed rest for an accident, I would send a note to school saying his week may be irregular and I also let him know he could stay home one day. So I think he took advantage of that because nothing in particular seemed to be wrong with him. Maybe he just wanted to be home and see what was up with me as I’ve never really been ill before.
Hard not to eat too much with all this sitting around but at least I’m eating healthy.
Changed top layer of bandages and disinfected again.
Day 6 - Shape-Shifting
I decided to stop taking painkillers. I had gotten into the meds rhythm after the hospital, alternating ibuprofen anti-inflammatory and paracetamol every 4 hours. And it worked out fine. I didn’t feel any pain before except in the shoulders and feet so I lowered it to taking one ibuprofen whenever I felt any swelling in my sensitive heel.
I also decided to start driving short distances.
What helps the most these days is to keep shifting positions, from standing and walking to doing a few little chores, to then sitting and doing some desk work and resting. To keep alternating because I feel it is important for the body to heal in different positions, to keep it somewhat flexible in its new shaping. Also, the alternating 20 minutes suited my busy nature.
Disinfected but did not put a new top layer of bandages. They had said to do it for 3 days only and had given me the bandages for it. Tried not to think of myself suddenly opening and bleeding out.
Day 7 - Worldwide Womb Blessing
I can feel my scars. A tugging, not painful, just weird. I decided to take off my bandages on the three holes made over my ovaries and on the bottom edge of my belly button. They had thankfully not made a hole in the tattoo over my womb- a drawing by my son of me riding a dolphin saying: “weeeeee!!!” I wonder what the nurses said when they discovered that one. Hehe.
So I decided to remove the bottom layer of bandages, as I had been instructed to anyway. Incredibly, it was all healed as if there had just been a little puncture wound. The one on my belly button still had a scab but as small as a small keyhole.
I am in awe of the surgeon’s work and of how efficiently my body has healed itself.
Full moon. Full-on blood moon eclipse. People dying. Literally. Some of the elders of our village have died this week. Jackie - a powerful woman. Arturo - a painter who loved women. He died in the middle of the full bloody eclipse. That stirred up some things for me. I really admired his work and when I was 16 he took advantage of that. Gave me this beautiful ring he made then tried it on with me. I let him kiss me but that was it. Later on at 26, I put him in my movie which had a bit of a revenge scene in it. So we were even. I did wear the ring every day for the rest of my life as it represented my dream.
It made me reflect on all these complicated sexual energies that I allowed and invited into my life.
Today there was a worldwide womb blessing so Sofia and I participated in that- a 20-minute meditation with intention. It was good to take some time aside to put my intention in weaving new energy into my new ¨womb¨. Really felt the tingling afterward which felt so good, like I could feel acceleration in my healing innards by meditating on it.
Then Sofia and I shared our experiences and she told me about her experience with her reproductive system and how it can be such a good experience to get such a thing removed if that’s what you feel you want deep down and it feels right.
Did an art therapy session with Olga. She is so patient and accepting of me that I feel I can open up easily with her, without the sensation of being personally judged. During my meditation earlier, I had a vision of a seed in my womb-space filling its turquoise tendrils of creative energy from the full moon energy. I tried to paint it during the proposed expressive mandala exercise. I got frustrated with not being able to make something beautiful. I only enjoyed making the insignificant glyphs. The rest was effort and not sure what the Taurus horns are all about.
Hard time sleeping. Probably that moon. And…my hot flashes have returned. So, as promised, my ovaries are still doing their hormonal thing.
WEEK 2: No, No Stay! Energy a Go-go!!
Day 8 - Tea for Two
Been a week since I was operated on.
I have so much energy now that I keep having to slow myself down. Keep on forcing myself to change positions so I have to lie down for a part of each hour.
Have had not black tea or coffee since the operation and am enjoying not pushing nor pulling my energy around, just going along with it.
Keeping up the peppermint tea to help with the supposed gas problem. I say supposed because it was foretold by the websites but I do not really notice much change. My belly was swollen and gassy before and it still is. But actually less as I am watching what I eat more carefully. The bean dish I asked for was definitely not a good idea after this operation. The reason women supposedly get gassy after an H is that they pump your belly with some gas to have room to move when operating inside.
Cleaning house since I have a guest. Also, Howard has offered to give me a craniosacral session and I want to change my sweaty sheets. Howard arrives and is surprised to see me up and about. I’m still arranging the house as he comes in. I can feel my manic energy. So can he. After a tea and a chat, he gives me a session.I lie diagonally on my bed with my head where my feet usually are. He sits on a stool by my head and tells me to relax into the dream world. Not an easy task to do as my whole system is so active. He barely touches me, placing his hands around my head and shoulders. I try different visualizations to calm my racing thoughts. Eventually, I settle back into this week’s intention: hooking my 2nd chakra back into my energy system. I visualize each chakra: root chakra starting at the base of my spine radiating a red cone out until the edges encompass both feet. Belly chakra a roiling of molten gold and silver. Solar plexus spiraling in and out in lemon yellow pulses. Heart space pumping out vines of green vitality to hold me and all those I cherish. Throat chakra cutting into the eternal silence with a shiny electric turquoise sawblade singing beyond human hearing. 3rd eye seeing for the womb, extending its smoky indigo feelers of intuition. A purple crystal crown on my new queen body reaching up its cone from the top of my head into the realm of the higher self.
Howard suddenly stops and I can hear in my head: “ That’s enough for now.” Later when I ask him what he did, he tells me he didn’t need to add much, more like take away. True, I could feel my tiredness, less manic.
We join our online writer’s group and work on our books.
Ready to sleep after.
Day 9 - Divine Dancing and Profane Pleasures
I can feel I pushed it with the cleaning yesterday. A bit tired. So I rest all day to conserve energy for tonight’s dance. Sofia + Lu help me set it all up. It was soothing to work together and to not do it all myself for a change. It all came together. Christine also helped with kids and dogs. I did a minimal amount of physical effort.
I held the first part for an hour - stretching- and had invited Sofia to do the second part of the session - intention. I still kept rotating between the three positions and enjoyed not being able to move too much so I could just pay attention to what was going on at the dance floor.
Great to have Sofia take care of the second hour. At first, I was a bit concerned because we hadn’t really coordinated our cues and was unsure about what she was doing. Again the difference between expectation and meeting the moment. Eventually, we managed to meet at the mike and I let go of trying to facilitate the situation. Then I could just relax and enjoy moving a little, sitting in the sun, taking the time to connect with other dancers. When we circled up at the end to heighten the energy cone and devotion to the mystery in each person, I chose not to go in the center which felt like the right call. I am creating my own new inner space for Source. Too fresh to twine yet. Others later agreed. We shared a lovely potluck dinner. Then Christine prompted me to remember I may be tired. I was and asked everyone to leave which they did with much understanding, all the while helping to clean up.
The outdoor space felt so nice after all that heightened energy that I just sat out there for a bit that night and soaked it in.
My mother had asked my son to get me a large bouquet of pinkish lilies. I had put the bouquet out by the dance floor. A dancer asked me what happened- did someone die? During the session, I kept coming back to that comment. This person always comes up to me with non-sequiturs but this time it reverberated. During the dance I realized that, yes, part of me had died. A very important part of me. More than cutting hair, this part of me will not grow back. So I thought maybe I should be mourning that part of me that has died but that is not the way I am feeling. I’m not feeling mournful. I’m feeling quite celebratory. Perhaps that is because that part that usually represents life had turned into a part that represented death instead. Getting rid of it allowed me to create a new space for life.
I was concerned about how the op would affect my orgasms so I tried some self-pleasuring. Nothing inserted as ADP and baths are strictly verboten. It took a bit longer than usual but in the end, all was well in my well. (Hehe, couldn’t resist the mom joke.) Still learning about my new body and trying to find a new name for it all down there. No longer a love canal or time tunnel, a wishing well? A sneaky sock? Titillating tube? Alleyway to Aleluya? Built-in contraceptive enclosure? I think I like well enough for now. (Haha, I really crack myself up.) The well well well! (Ok, I´ll stop.)
Day 10 - Adhering to Myself, Literally
I spent the day in bed, worrying a little bit because I was reading about adhesions- when you don’t stay still long enough, the inside parts of the body that are healing can stick together in the wrong way. It got me concerned and almost canceled the activity I had planned on the next day but I couldn’t because it was just too important to me and I felt I could manage the damage. Sure sounds stupid writing it out but the group that I created and that was meeting is literally a core reason for my existence at the moment. So on a soul level, I feel I need it. Hmmm. Maybe body is priority at the moment, eh?
Day 11 - If assholes could drive, this place would be a parking lot
Today is our monthly meeting for our teen group. Every month we do a different psychosocial activity with 9 teens, and with whatever mentors have time to show up. Luckily today, we were four adults so all I had to do was drive, pay, chat, lounge around under a shady tree and drive back.
We picked up one of the teens and drove 40 minutes to a curious place full of outdoor sculptures and installations, a faux Moorish castle, a gorgeous rose garden, a giant stone circle next to a 3-story high metal octopus, an underground contemporary art bunker, and another bunker dedicated to the art made for dead children. We didn't go visit that one as it gives me the creeps even though the macabre paintings are high-quality niche.
Matthew took care of holding the space and had the teens go off on photo quests. Wanting to participate, I did get up and lie back down several times to see what they were up to. It was all very easy-going. Two of the more intense teens were not there and we had just the right amount of space at our picnic table for us all to fit and chat and show our pictures. It did do my soul good to be with everyone.
The owners of the foundation, whom I´ve known since I was a child, came by in their golf cart to greet us. They had given me and my son free entrance. I had all the kids applaud them for their amazing place. Then the man asked me if I had been vaccinated yet, I said no. He told me, in front of everyone not to be an asshole and do it. He may be 91 but after a lifetime of his bullying attitude towards me and basically everyone except his wife, I decided to talk back and tell him that I may be an asshole but so was he for treating everyone as assholes. It was all done with smiles but I can’t help but wonder what makes him think it’s okay to treat people like that, especially in front of young teenagers. His directors and assistants never last for more than a year or two. And despite his extraordinary life achievements, everyone knows he’s a jerk and an art simulator. His lovely wife balances him out and he continues to wield pugnacious power.
His attitude is definitely not convincing to me. I need to understand and learn before I can move forward with this decision but bullies like him make me want to not do it.
In the end, the hardest was being cursed at, driving that long, and being in that position of responsibility. I should have asked someone else to drive. That would have been the best compromise.
Day 12 - Do The Thing
Drove to Palma for my son’s dentist appointment which we had been waiting for a month and a half, even before I knew I would have my op. Then got home and decided that I have to completely stop and let my body do its thing. It causes my body more pain to not move around, to not move muscles - my back and neck are hurting, my arms are sore, my heel is still hurting. It has not gotten better with less usage. I have come up with the solution to get a masseuse to come around. If I can’t move my muscles, at least get someone else to move them for me. Maybe that will help relieve some of those aches.
I’m still not clear as to what is the best position to be resting in so every hour or so, I just change position. It was not made clear to me what is the best position for the womb-less space to heal. It is probably not about position, but about speed and effort which need to be slow and minimal.
Also, I had lost 4-5kilos in the process but am gaining it back again by resting so dialing back the amounts I eat as am less hungry anyway. If my eating habits and my womb were both linked to my actions around intimacy, then it follows that getting the uterus out would affect my eating in some way. I thought I would be even more needy of food but actually am feeling less.
Feeling relieved in general, as if I have had a great detox from the big removal, all the flushing out by the serums, and all the great food. A true reset in my eating and self-pleasuring systems.
I can’t wait to start exercising again. I fantasize about swimming and biking rather than other more typical fantasies. When I was young, I had zero interest in exercising. I just liked to use my body. Like for walking to town. I had no problems walking an hour to town or swimming all day or dancing all night but I didn’t want to do it as exercise. I thought exercising was stupid- you get exercise along the way of living your life fully. But I guess that is not the way of the modern world. Now I crave exercising. I just want to swim laps for the whole summer.
Day 13 - Impregnated?
Had a little bit of bleeding today, a few drops. Not sure what that is about since I had not had any before today. Maybe I shouldn't have thrown out all my washable pads. (Looked it up: can be a bit of bleeding when the inner dissolvable stitches fall out.)
I have barely moved these past two days compared to previously. I have a pinchy feeling around the side scars and a sharp sensation across my abdomen whenever I get up. And then it goes away after 10-15 seconds.
Right now, it kind of feels like I’m pregnant. I had the same strange roiling in my gut, almost eerie feeling like there is another being taking up residence inside. Yesterday, I did draw for the evolutive expressive mandala that I have been working on with Olga. Inspired by the oracle card I had pulled- The Hidden Path. What came out of the drawing was the Secret Being. I wonder what kind of being is starting to be in there.
WEEK 3: Trying on New Shapes
Day 14/15 - Taking the Shape of a Queen
Feels like 3 weeks have passed not two. So much has happened and so much has not happened. For the last five days I have forced myself to stay still in bed. The first few days I had the pinching in my abdomen when I would move. Today I have barely felt it.
My feeling is that for the first week, everything is pretty liquid and mobile within the operated space. And with the removal of the blockage, all the energy was set loose and running fluid and juicy through my channels. The last week, it felt more like soft bits were setting, taking their places and more permanent shapes within the gut puzzle. A bit more dense and solid inside. So sensing I have to stay still so it can all come together smoothly without my actions to tear at the delicate weave of healing.
Little movement has been my objective this week but it has also compacted my energy quite a bit. My muscles feel sore from not moving, especially in my shoulders and feet. I learned that the surgeons have their patients in a diagonal inversion so all the guts will pile towards the head, giving them freer access to operating around the uterus without accidentally damaging nearby intestines. So it is supposedly common to have shoulder pain from having been in the position.
But today I had a wonderful masseuse come over. It was amaaazing. Laya made me feel like a queen! At 50, with the passage of menopause, I had been told women can choose to go from mother/nurturer to queen before settling into crone. I very much feel like owning that role at the moment. After all the adventures and learnings of youth, the efforts and achievements of motherhood, and in my career, I am now ready to be proud, to gather, to lead, to teach, to delegate, and create a healthy vital reality for my community. So all this was present in my awareness as I received this royal, respectful, powerful, honoring massage. It made me meditate on what kind of queen do I want to be as I enter my fifties and a different kind of power and empowerment is taking root inside of me.
Afterward, as I was cooking some lovely healthy food, I started singing and it was an amazing impressive song that just flowed out of me. Of course, I thought I should be recording this or writing it down. But then I thought the best audience I could possibly ask for is Source, the great mystery. So either they are listening or not. I don’t need to hold on to it. At the very worst, there is no one listening. But I heard it. My higher self heard it. My higher self probably sang it. So, reaching into that, I did feel an incredible amount of power, creativity, and inspiration flowing through me. So I do believe that taking good care of our bodies will help us out on a soul/spirit level. There is an undeniable connection for me and for most of the people in my communities.
I felt so much better afterward. I had been having headaches from being on the screen so the massage helped to relieve some of the pressure.
I have to try not to feel too good because it lulls me into a false sense of being healed. I have to tone it down. Feels like a too long time but it is what needs to happen.
My son is away this weekend so I think I’m going to veg out for a little bit longer and then get back to all that needs to be done without too much physicality. A few more days and I’ll make my move.
Day 16 - Long-term Results of an Active Sexuality
It was not surprising that all these stories of my sexuality were popping up with all the awareness of what was happening in my womb.
See my post #askingforit #normalizefemalesexuality.
After seeing the picture of my womb, I realized that I had invited in so many shapes via experiences that did not belong inside of me and that had festered out of control. But what I hadn’t focused on were the abortions that I have had. Those were truly the worst experiences I have ever had and I have carried them with me since the first one in 1993. I often imagine the ghosts of my children near me, what they would have looked like, how old they would be now. It is something that has haunted me and my uterus and since the operation, I have not felt them with me anymore. If you have had an abortion, I would recommend before the op also saying goodbye again to those who could have been.
Hysterical musings: Mulling over the matrix- the weave of reality. In Spanish, matríz (matrix) is the word used for the womb. The word matrix originates in the Latin word mater, meaning mother and also meaning matter. My mother matter matters, Marshall Mathers.
Days 17 - Bready Bla + Healthy Oola
The amazing food I had for the first week, that made me feel nourished and invigorated, I would have recommended continuing for another week, especially the two soups that felt great for rebuilding my insides. My body misses it. I don’t feel like the food that I have been eating has been nourishing that need so I have been overeating somewhat, continuously hungry for the real deal.
So I will do another juice fast like I did before the operation to prepare and fortify my body. Do another one now to regulate and boost the quality of my rebuilding. All that bready bla stuff does not make me feel fantastic. What does make me feel incredible is good healthy tasty food. I need to dig into learning how to make it to my satisfaction. A good time to try it out is now.
Day 18 - Back to SubNormality
This week, I went back to some normality. The only real difference was that I was having more naps, not lifting weights, and not driving too much. A bit more juggling to figure out rides for my son. But apart from that, he has been helpful.
I have been busy catching up on paperwork and writing, though sitting for too long is not comfortable. I wish I had one of those hospital beds to keep changing positions.
I followed some online exercises for after H surgery. The video was short and quite good and I felt like I could benefit from doing it every day to help my muscles recover.
Day 19 - Putting my Foot Down
I prepped and offered my movement class, very careful not to do too much. Getting good at asking people for help. The class was good and, as usual, once the class was underway, time and insecurities dropped away. I had a passive-aggressive student with whom we’ve shared a history of being at odds. During our time of sharing, she refused to look at me and told everyone she didn’t really feel anything because the music wasn’t good for her. She then tried to redirect on to another student but I cut her off. Letting her know that every session was different and that most importantly, she is dancing. She is not a puppet that the music dances. It’s always an interesting challenge to stay in your energy and move it, even when the music does not support that. She softened after that. I had recognized the little brat that I used to be when I wanted to criticize something but found a way to make it seem like an innocuous comment. It felt good to have the clarity to see it from the other side and to deal with it without making anyone feel bad about it. Just repositioning the point of view.
A lovely lady from Estonia gave a beautiful counterbalance, fully engaging with her embodiment no matter the music.
¨ Being - existence, energy, vitality - means that our spirit fills our body. Our full self is embodied. But when we look in the mirror what do we see? A dull, vacant stare? A sunken chest? A funny smile? Go take a look. What do you see? If it isn't a vibrant self brimming with energy and presence, then you're shortchanging yourself on the gift of life.¨
Day 20 - Tears of Gratitude
I had canvassed my friends to give me suggestions for a gift basket for the nurses who took such good care of me. They had some great ideas like a spa day, massage, bubble baths, creams, facials, a drawing or painting that encourages them in their break room, feedback in the hospital's online presence.
One of my friends has a nurse in the family who suggested a hand-written note, specialty coffee, and anything for the face in this time of all-day mask-wearing. So I got a dozen different types of cleansing facial masks, different kinds of lip balm, and a bunch of specialty snacks they would not easily find: dried beet chips, dried tomato and basil chips, dried mango and other fruits, high-quality granola, and nut bars.
I wrote a praiseful card from the heart to all the nurses and included it in the bag of goodies. As I dropped it off with the attendant nurse, my eyes filled with tears. Now, I know I have emotional lability ( I cry easily) but this is ridiculous. Why am I crying now? And why does just thinking about it make me want to cry? What is the emotional surge met by gratitude?
I left hastily before anything else would make me cry even more, but as the elevator doors were closing, I saw all the nurses in the break room smiling and waving at me. So I cried all the way down, happy and confused.
I sat in my car, and while cooling down, wrote some feedback on the hospital presence in various online sites. Especially mentioning the excellence of their nurses.
WEEK 4: Mud, Jungle, Mountain, Desert, River, Forest, Prairie, Cave
Day 22 - The Operation in Graphic Detail
Been three weeks since the op. I watched a medical video that shows all the steps of how the operation is done. First, I was surprised to see how little blood there was involved. A lot of fibrous tissue there is cut and cauterized. It made me a bit nauseous but it was fascinating to follow the process and see the risks they need to navigate. I am not sure I would have wanted to see this before. But I am glad to see it now so that I can visualize the parts of me that are healing. It also answered quite a lot of questions that were circling in my head about how they did the operation. I had wondered how they removed the womb and it turns out they stick a big tube into that the vagina and pull it out through there. I had imagined it without the tube. And I had been wondering why I felt no soreness down there. I hadn't felt any sort of invasive quality in my nethers after the op.
Energy has been going in some extreme ups and downs these days. So whenever I feel tired, I just lie down and nap. It doesn't usually work- I don't fall asleep- but I do get up refreshed.
Day 23 - Earthing
Today, I had some very strong ups and downs but managed to muddle through with two naps and get to the session with my energy in good form.
It was the first time I tried chi gong lying down. I cleaned inside the house and then had a nap. Then I prepped the session, had lunch and another nap. Thinking outside and waited for dancers to come help me with the heavy lifting of speakers etc.
The session was supposed to be about inviting new shapes in with the New Moon but after watching a documentary on Earthing, I shifted the intention to that and to exploring the various terrains of earth through the embodiment of visualizing lava, mountains and valleys, desert, riverways, forests, prairies and caves of the earth and of the body. Then I asked everyone to plant the seed of new energy in their topography of choice and share a movement with everyone to represent what they want to grow.
My seed had to do with finding a strong inner voice. One that would be clear, articulate, communicative, and compassionate to defend the rights of the Earth through my writing, speaking, and secret singing. I think this is what was meant by finding the hidden path. A voice is not something that can be seen.
Day 25 - Did something happen?
Today was the first day when my womb area felt nothing in particular. No twinges or pinches or sensation of ache when sitting too long. It feels like that part of me is pretty much done with the major healing. But the rest of my body is still feeling the aftereffects.
Feeling the pressure of the chrysalis going hard and rigid. My body is thickening and stiffening. I can barely stand staying still but I force myself to rest whenever I am not doing essential chores or errands. I worry about thrombosis as strange points in my body have throbbing pains - on the side of my leg, my underarm, inside the elbow - worry a blood clot will form from all the inactivity. Making me feel very lazy and lackluster.
Get another massage to get my muscles moving but it felt sort of ineffectual. The masseuse had just come from an osteopathic session- which for me is already a red flag: a bodyworker must give themselves time to integrate after they receive a session before giving. He even admitted that he was not prepared for the tiredness he felt after his own session. This may have compounded the sensation I got that he just did not have magic hands.
The difference is flagrant now that my body is so sensitive. I responded intensely to Laya's massage as her hands communicated that they knew. The male masseuse felt like he was going through the motions. He had nice big supportive hands and a neutral vibe but I just was not feeling like he was tapping into the needs of my body. And he massaged feet before face which is another red flag. Feet should always come last as they have all sorts of interesting things going on, psychosomatically it feels like going from dirty area to clean, and ending with the feet helps ground the massage. He also covered the table in rough towel patches and then used my towels to clean up oil on his table without asking. So I was a bit miffed when he left and the tension in my shoulders did not really abate.
Day 26 - Metamorphosis 1
Last day of school. My son did not go. Summer vacation has unofficially begun!
Went to the Metamorphosis workshop in the afternoon. I thought we were going to dance with Tomeu but instead got blindfolded and led around by a thread. It challenged my sense of body safety and comfort boundaries. We also went outside and did it barefoot in the countryside. I was a bit upset that we were taking so long to do this but it turned out to be much more interesting outdoors. The pain I had previously felt in my tender feet turned into information when the blindfold was put on. Since my pace was slowed, my feet were more careful and attuned to the ground and its many textures.
I picked up a friend of my son on the way back and once we got home, I made dinner for them and was ready to lay me down. My energy thread is still pretty short.
Day 27 - Metamorphosis 2
2nd day of Metamorphosis workshop. Started off with a sound bath by Jesús. I put my feet towards him. He said better to put my head facing him but I held my ground. My feet needed it more. And it felt amazing to have the vibrations travel into my feet first. Felt like the giant crystal that is my body was being cleaned of its impurities.
I still miss the feeling I had in my body the first week after the operation- so clean and freely energetic. This experience came close, as Jesús placed vibrating bowls by my feet, head, and on my belly. A bodily attunement that I could have happily experienced for another few hours. Then we sang with Pegah, warming up our bodies and voices, and exploring the corners of our sound-making depths. I very much enjoyed the space she held- so easy and light. Then we went under the fig tree, buried our offerings to the earth, and sang some chants with Natalia while Pegah played guitar. It was beautiful and peaceful but after an hour or two, I got tired of it as my voice was not used to so much singing. As facilitators, I think we have to remember that we have much longer endurance than most participants. My voice was hurting by the time we stopped.
We had a late lunch then we went back to more blindfolded exercises. Again, I expected to dance and was not pleased when I was handed two threads so I noped out of there.
But first I had my own metamorphosis dance by myself in silence on their lovely wood floor. I danced through this healing journey and embodied the lessons of the hidden path and secret being, the new energetic womb, and the support of community, coming out with three words of what I would now like to grow within: clear heart voice.
When I got home, Christine showed up and we had a lovely heart-to-heart, unloading some of our pent-up frustrations. A few hours later, I was emptied and ready to collapse.
Day 28 - Metamorphosis 3
Excited for our journey to the woods. Meet up in the morning in a very special forest where, when it rains, the water comes springing straight out of the ground. Old oaks create a gorgeous canopy with the whole light-dappling-the-leaf-strewn-floor effect. It's a truly enchanted place.
The 9 of us walked in silence from our cars for half an hour to a staging space. The proposal was to yet again get blindfolded and this time, get carried by everyone and deposited in different natural terrains then moved. I was very uncomfortable holding the fragile and heavy head then hips of a man and got rather upset at how risky it was for both the carrier and the carried. No instructions were given to the carrier to protect their backs, the stronger were placed at the extremities of the body while the weaker had to carry the heavy middle; the carried person was in all unnatural shapes while carried, grasping hands holding his neck. He did not complain but I did. Especially having just been sensitized to the ease with which people can be roped into social compliance. I was feeling flustered by the smiling dismissal of the men there but, yet again, nyeted it. This operation has given me the clarity and courage to be unapologetic to others about my boundaries.
Instead, I opted to lay flat on my belly, for the first time in a month, face in the forest floor. My belly started vibrating with pleasure. This was the earthing I was craving. The full-body energy connection with the true source of life. Sourcing, earthing, connecting. I could have laid there all day if it wasn't for some itchiness and men coming over to tell me to take it easy.
Luckily the next exercise, though potentially unsafe, was something I could try out. Blindfolded walking through the forest with a watcher to make sure the blindfolded one does not trip or fall or bang into anything. My watcher did no intervening. I only knew she was there by the sound of her feet on the dry leaves. I bumped into trees and stubbed my toes but it did not matter as I was going in slow motion. Again the feeling of pain being transformed into information was astounding. What was it about being blindfolded and slowing way down that made such discomfort bearable and even a bit exciting? Heightened senses and adrenaline?
We finished the woods section with a lovely meditation with some Hypericum (Hierba de San Juan), an herbal concoction that is helpful to heal hidden wounds, bring light to the dark. Perfect medicine to end my journey. They all went swimming in the sea but I was still unsure whether I could so I went back to the center to rest and prepare for my workshop.
Christine showed up and we prepared the metamorphosis ritual space. A few new people showed up to make our numbers about 12. In the early evening, I started with an hour of warm-up. Everyone seemed super happy and it gladdened my heart. We then did some earthing and the terrain embodiment visualization that I had tried out in our session last week. I have been making it easy for myself this week and not giving myself more work.
We went outside to play improvised music while, one by one, the participants went on pilgrimage to the ritual fig tree. There, Christine would purify the participants, wrap them tightly in cloth chrysalis, call in the guardians and watch over their metaphorical transformation. They would then emerge with three words which were incorporated into our singing and jamming. We were very lucky to have at least four excellent musicians in our midst to hold the sound. I had a blast, felt my voice coming into its own, and enjoyed honoring the participants as they returned. It is a blessing to be in a position to remind others of their wonder and worth.
Finished with a celebratory dinner of healthy yums from their garden and beyond.
One of the participants, an inspired man from Poland, had brought a bottle of wine and we cheered with chupitos, chupitons, chupitontos as Daniel called it (almost snorted my wine), and regular ol´ wine glasses. ¨To the Earth and all its bounty!¨ It´s all there if you can take the time to care.
WEEK 5: Cleared for Living
Day 29 - All Clear
Go to my check-up visit with the gynaecologist who did my surgery. Dra. Maria del Mar Mas Morey, Dra.Mmmm gave me the all-clear and good news.
My pathology report shows no sign of malignancy in the six myomas that had grown into my ex-uterus+fallopian+cervix. I told her about my surge of energy at the beginning and she said it was pretty normal considering they had removed ¨an overgrown sack of potatoes¨ making it hard on my systems. Turns out it weighed 170g (about the weight of a billiard ball) and was 9x6x6cm in size (about the size of the palm of my hand) which astounds me when considering it held a full-size baby at one point. The myomas were between 1-3cm in diameter. No wonder the doctor was so eager to brush off all my concerns. Such a small bunch of things. She said not to come back for another year. Next.
Ok, well… yay! I am back to green light in the realm of my health. Watch out dance floor!
Day 30 - Super Clear
Visit the other gynaecologist, the German one, who confirms that everything has healed well and that I can return to normal activities of swimming (still worry that water can leak into me), sex (ha, right, what´s that again?), biking (that´s sex right?) and lifting weight (just when I was enjoying having the excuse to make my son do the donkey work.)
Dr. Gnirs (I say it like g-nu but not to his face) worries that I look a bit wan so orders me to get blood tests done and to return in 6 months. I think I will switch to him. He seems more concerned and has more time and patience to discuss issues.
I forgot to take my supplements but it seems like my menopause has gone on pause. No more cold sweats, etc. I wonder if it is finally over along with my period. Fully free to embrace the next phase of life - still active, a bit wiser, and with an identity that I can remake as I wish. My main identity no longer tied to my capacity to reproduce.
Day 31 - Crystal Clear
Today I offered a Staccato class and was a bit concerned as to whether I would have the energy for it. But once we got going, I was on fire, ready to fire up everyone else's feet, hips, and hearts! Chaos made me especially happy as I could shake and wiggle all I wanted. Always amazed and grateful for this practice that brings strangers together to move, distant as islands when they arrive, yet they leave like the ocean, with a sense of intimate connection however far we are.
Went to Santosha to pick up my speakers and treat myself to their delicious healing foods. I miss Ruth´s cooking and want to go and celebrate with the ones who helped me begin this healing journey. Her Irish lilt and Eran´s Israeli arching tones make me feel immediately at home. We celebrate with homemade ginger lemonade, spicy and fresh. Crunchy flat bean tacos that I had to eat slowly because they were too good to eat fast. Make it last. Had some more of their orange-almond mana-from-heaven cake. Now that their restaurant is open again, I am happy to see they are busy but I miss them in the dance and in our group. All I could do was leave them with profound gratitude for their healing craft and a profound wish for their own personal satisfaction.
Dance and good food. My son telling me about his day at the park with his friends. Our cats and dogs happy to see us and we them. Water the lush garden. Have a great new book and a voice of my own to hone and treasure. Next week heading off to visit my mom. All is well and I thank my family, friends, doctors, nurses, healers, animals, and myself that it is so.
FREE WRITE: What's in a Womb?
(Wrote this in the week before my operation, to be read to my writing group whom I had not told. Our meeting was on the day of the op and I thought it would be interesting to accompany each other in this way and also for a man to read it. Hehe. Howard was kind enough to accept the challenge.)
I walked into the crisp office feeling carefree and left full of regrets.
¨ Sure, take my womb! ¨ I had agreed.
Houses should be lived in. If not, make space for nature.
But then I balked, my own wild nature, my natural identity asserting itself, howling out:¨You are a woman!! You are a mother!! You are a sex goddess!! This sacred space should be left empty for the filling and spilling of life in all its bloody glory!¨
Hmmm, if you rip my womb from my entrails, cauterize my tubes, shore up my honeyed tunnel, will I still not be a woman, a mother, a goddess?
Every pore of my skin sings it is so.
More is my concern about losing my connection to the life force, to my chi.
Right there in the soft dark center of me.
Is it a little orb, a pearl that can be shucked from a lifeless organ?
Is my chi a polyp of rainbow light that can only glow hanging in the deepest cave?
My better nature blows softly into my ear: ¨ Follow the threads that hold life in motion.¨
I pulled on a red one, followed it around the corner, blood poured down the walls, tears down my neck.
As I continued on, the thread turned purple, thickening into a cord. I plucked, it twanged, stars danced in the distance.
The cord swelled up into a glowing blue rope, anchoring an umbilical end into the earth itself. A shockwave of life pulsing endlessly. Traversing me as I held on, electrified.
I tugged on it and became aware that all that held me were my hands. The rest of me floated upwards. This time I held on sweating.
What to do? Praying to the mystery within, I felt a cold stream of air making space within my space, resonating like the gong of the moon. With every resounding beat on my heart, the cord marked a rotation, slower and slower, my hands slipped as I fell towards the sky.
When you are heading up the spiral, it is best to let go of dead weight.
I let go of my identity's hold on one thread, one shape, one last drop squeezed out from my depths, dropping, darkening a stone already dark with my shrinking shadow, conceiving a new spirit.
The stone turned to seed, the seed turned to mountain, the mountain penetrated up into the sky. Following my flight as I empty. No longer full, free to float into a deeper space.
Untethered and unmoored, unmade and returned to the elements. Starting over with so much trailing behind me already. Cut loose the ties.
No time for regrets until it's all over and done with.
And it never is.
WEEK 6: POST-SCRIPTUM - New Womb, New Rules, New Gender?
Day 40 - Complete
They say it takes forty days to integrate an experience or to truly adopt a new regimen. Tonight, I am feeling whole and the world feels complete.
Today I was with close friends, sharing a meal of bacalao and jerez, crying over our trials and tribulations of the past year, refilling our hearts and souls with freshly squeezed laughter and newly gleaned wisdoms. As we age, I begin to see how the souls of my chosen family polish and shine. Sure, we cackle like witches and argue like donkeys, but we know that, at the end, we will hug like gorillas, all leaving with our own style of power enhanced by our rewoven bond.
And my chosen family just got bigger! This weekend, I discovered a brother.
For so long, I have mourned the loss of my relationship with my blood brother. But then the anti-anti-christ showed up on my doorstep. At first, I thought he was an acquaintance, a colleague, a possible friend, maybe even a lover, but my loss-weathered soul took its time for once and with slow deliberate intuitive sniffing, I began to notice a different scent- a rare one- the smell of kin!
What a surprise to witness this new kind of archetype blossom between us- the Conduit- a sibling-in-arms in the wild ride of life´s adventuring. We share freckles and speaking in tongues, went biking and walking and I felt no worse for the wear with such good company. We swapped battle (love+sex) stories at the opening of a sea cave, both looking in, wondering about the future we are jumping into, hands open, smile wide.
And I felt no fear, no shrinking, no needing to appear a certain way. The only thing that was shrinking was the wound of the male gaze. I felt his interest and complicity without feeling any prodding for more more more.
Shifting the lights in our eyes, beaming straight to the naked core, glowing up the fascia to pulse and stretch and dance dance dance into the one. The archetypes shift more and more in the social media kaleidoscope. Our identities are shaken loose by a request for authenticity- will the me of today be enough for the you of today? And tomorrow's today? With a brother, the point is moot and the other is always enough. There is no choice when you're talking about chosen family. Just being together is enough.
And what about me? Who am I now without a womb? How has my identity shifted? What is my new archetypal gender? Not a man, nor a womb-man. There are a million, nay billions, of hues of genders and sexualities. Is it even important to know what gender I am if I can not reproduce? Can my new energetic conduit gender just be called: turquoise with a touch of silver and gold?
- BINAURAL BRAIN SYNC: You can find loads on YT; you just need to find the sound that suits you. I personally use Brainwave app so I can choose background sound and the amount of time. I also like Kelly Howell´s Brainsync programs. She has been at it longer than most and knows her material with much experience and success.
- COMIC RELIEF: Menopause Rhapsody: youtu.be/AcVFtu-ZmmM
- LOGISTICAL SUPPORT : www.hystersisters.com. A bit dry for my tastes but they do have a huge resource of information available for free. And the possibility of joining forums with others who are having a hysterectomy on the same date. Really nice to have that mutual support experience with others who are in the same boat.
- PHYSICAL SUPPORT: Youtube channel Jessica Valant Pilates. Post-surgery exercises. Short and easy to follow.
- MUSICAL SUPPORT: Mixcloud Playlists by me: www.mixcloud.com/enifares Of course, these are amazing! Mostly waves (meaning the entire mix goes from flowing to energetic to chaotic to lyrical to stillness) based on the 5Rhythms, in which I am a certified teacher.
- SYMBOLIC SUPPORT : wombblessing.com. Twice a year.
- AMAZING FOOD/RESTAURANT : Santosha, Palma, Mallorca, www.santoshapalma.com
- ART THERAPY : Olga Manzanaro, insta: olgamanzanart
- CRANIOSACRAL THERAPY + TRAINING : Howard Evans, www.howardevans.co.uk/
- EDEN ENERGY HEALER + WISDOM : Sandy Wand, whatsapp: +1 541 200 8085
- GYNAECOLOGISTS, Mallorca:
- Dra. Maria del Mar Más Morey, Quirón Salud : 971 918 000
- Dr. Gnirs : 971 451 029
- MASSAGE : Laya Coutinho, Mallorca, whatsapp: +34 622 668 861
DO NOT SCROLL FURTHER
IF YOU ARE SQUEAMISH
The last picture below is of the removed uterus
with fibroids and fallopian tubes for those who are curious
to see what it looks like.
Do not continue if you do not want to see blood.
Are you sure?
It´s just a part of women...